Suewars
by Perched upon a bust of Pallas
Summary: It is a period of civil war in the Lord of the rings fandom. Can the zealous soldiers of the rebellion quell the ever advancing sue army? Can our poor unwitting hero Ethel save the internet database? A parody of sorts with a twisted meaning. Rated T


**Sue Wars**

Disclaimer: All Lord of the rings canon belongs to the Tolkin family, as do all characters. All Star wars canon and characters belong to George Lucas.

I own nothing but my own characters.

**I am in all truthfulness attempting to be cheerful about this whole topic, through most people find themselves hindered in believing me, no matter my protestations. Please, trust me. I most definitely **_**can **_**be cheerful. I can be amiable. Agreeable. Affable. And that's only the As. Just don't ask me to be nice. Nice has nothing to do with me.**

Exert from 'The book the thief' by Markus Zusak

**To begin I do not mean to greatly offend any of the authors on this website, but sadly Mary-sues will be given a slight boot up the nether regions in the duration of this story. There are several things I wish to point out…**

**1. I greatly dislike Mary-sues, there is nothing everyone can say to change that opinion.**

**2. I am a hypocrite at times but please remember I am human and therefore fundamentally floored.**

**3. Angus is the correct spelling of my characters name.**

**4. I suffer from dyslexia, so sometimes my spelling may not be perfect, I know its not an excuse.**

**5. I am merely a novice in the world of writing, please humor me. **

**6. I am not a Tolkin expert if I describe a location wrongly or misrepresent a character please tell me. **

**7. Please send constrictive criticism if…**

**I) My spelling is wrong.**

**II) My grammar is wrong.**

**III) My punctuation leaves much to be desired**

**IV) See number 6**

**Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Without readers an author is nothing. **

**A long time ago…**

**Last Wednesday**

It is a period of civil war in the Lord of the rings fandom. Rebel writers striking from a hidden forum, have won their first victory against the evil pre-teen empire.

During the flaming match, rebel sock puppets managed to hack into the just made account of a Legolas loving fourteen year old. Who was unwittingly about to create the empires ultimate weapon, the 1000TH Mary-sue. A creature so powerful it could annihilate all canon .

Pursued by the empires sinister Sue clones, Overseer Angus races back the hidden base after stealing the thousandth Mary-sue. So she can save the characters and bring peace to the Fandom?

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Chapter I- The impolite introduction and one in several reasons to avoid inter-network travel 

_Mary-sue was sitting at her computer with lke(sp?) all these cute picces of Frodo and leggie when…_

"No I am not" came a doubtful slightly throaty voice.

_The most amazingist thing happened!!!!!!_

"Wait why the hell is my computer glowing?" said the voice even more doubt filled than before. A loud sneeze suddenly animated from it followed by a half hearted grunt and a sticky smooshing sound " Christ I hate colds" murmured the voice.

_She jumped up scared out of her socks XD lolz_.

" I'm not wearing socks…I hate socks".

_The computer was glowly and bright and stuff and then she like jumped up…_

" I thought I jumped up a second ago and stop abusing ellipsis it's distracting !"

_The computer then!!! _[Click]-[ Computer is shutting down]

" Why does it have to be a computer doesn't anyone read anymore?" A long echoing silence was the only answer to the voices question.

"Oh so she's gone then?" The voice looked around her seeing only a pitch black square box , which you or I would conclude to be the size of a late adolescents bedroom but of course the Mary-sue had only just been imagined into existence and was not at a level of mental ability to divulge that information.

The only objects in the room was a large repulsive computer and a rickety looking chair.

The Mary-sue template sighed heavily at least her elf loving mistress could have described a couple of pillows or even just a bare mattress. She suddenly noticed that was not the only thing the wayward fan-fic writer had forgotten, it had just slipped the pre-teens mind to describe her a body. All Mary-sue could see of herself were two fluffy pink socks apparently floating in mid-air.

" Well this is just great" The almost sue muttered morosely.

"Yes indeed it is" came a reply.

The sue jumped with fright (as her mistress had programmed her too) which to our other guest looked as if two pink fluffy socks had denied the forces of gravity and had flown a ridiculous height in the air.

" Well for start we can't have that!" Said the stranger in a stern manner and with an unfamiliar clicking noise the socks fell to the ground and disappeared . "We are going to make you a likeable fault-filled non self inserted character, my dear" said the stranger whilst stepping from the shadows of the room.

The Sue spun round in mid-air frightened out of her wits.

She (for the stranger was of the fairer sex) was not tall or imposing but a short dumpy woman with iron gray hair and a hand bag with two sickly green kittens sewn onto it.

"Tut tut" murmured the stranger clicking her tongue " What mess we have here!, I'm Angus my pet" continued the woman as she turned toward the patch of thin-air that our dear almost sue was hovering in "Looks like she didn't describe you, well that's more good that it is bad my dear" .

The template throughout this introduction was looking on worriedly at the woman her experience of other creatures namely her author had not been good so far.

"Well we sort that out in a jiffy" Said Angus cheerfully " I my dear am a friend of fan-fiction and I'm here to stop another Mary-sue coming into existence!" the elderly woman clicked her fingers and where the template had been appeared a stunningly beautiful girl " Oh no that's not right " Sighed the elderly female looking up at the newly summoned reincarnation of Venus" This is your writers mental interpretation of your appearance, but we have to change that. One look in the mirror and your a sue forever" Angus shook her head sadly.

"But I can't go against the one who created me…" said Mary-sue looking down at her perfect torso admiringly.

"Yes you can and you will!" Said Angus very forcefully making Mary-sue flinch" You're our last h-…oh no I'm already said too much! Come along dear I'll take you to the writers workshop and we'll get ourselves started".

Angus grabbed Mary-sues milk white fingers and gingerly lead her across the shadowed room, flicking her own plump hands forward in a sweeping motion Angus opened a rectangular shaped patch of light and hurriedly began to pull Mary-sue through it " Come on now love we haven't got much time to spare" was the last thing Mary-sue heard before she yanked out of the only patch of virtual reality she had ever known.

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The writers workshop was deep in the bowls of the internet. Angus had promised Mary-sue 'that they would be there in a jiffy' but it seemed to the poor girl that she and her guide had traveled for hours.

The time could have seemed more prolonged because by no means is inter-network travel filled with comfort. You spend most of your time rushing up and down air conditioned metal tubes filled with blinding white light or being shook up and down or being bashed into cold hard things that you cannot for the life of you distinguish in the harshly lit chambers.

Angus seemed happy enough despite the situation, chatting away to the Sue as if she was not rushing at a speed to make the bravest man squirm down a shifting tunnel to God knows where.

" We'll get you fixed up nice and proper, give you lessons on etiquette and begin the hormone treatments" Shouted Angus over the roaring in her ears as she and the girl flew through downwards through the air.

Mary-sue was screaming to loud to hear her, she felt as if the very roots of her perfect scarlet hair was being ripped out from the force of the fall. Her eyes were stinging with tears and her cherry glossed mouth was open, and saliva was flying out in an utterly repulsive manner. "_What did I do to deserve this_!" her mind hollered at her.

Angus on the other hand had just gotten out some knitting and was actually quite content.

Mary-sue in a final branch of desperation began reading the numbers flying past her. These numbers were painted in fluorescent ink so they could show in the bright light of the tunnel onto the far side of the tube that she was currently falling through, whether they were to mark certain parts of the network or just there by chance Mary didn't really care. They were a distraction.

_360 _

_361_

_362_

_363_

_364_

_365 _Mary-sue read

Out of the corner of her eye she briefly (having much to contend with already) noticed Angus looking at her strangely. She felt better, a lot better. The falling was not as painful, the air not as cold. By reading she had liberated herself.

But suddenly a great shrieking sound erupted from the air above Mary-sue interrupting any thoughts she was currently having.

"LETHER GOOO!!!11111" Cried the creature behind them. Mary could not see the thing the above them, the only thing she could make out in the clear bright light of tunnel was a strange flapping sound.

"Oh dear" Sighed Angus looking up seemingly untroubled by the bright lights " it's a flying one".

Mary-sue had not the faintest idea of what 'a flying one' was but the mention of it filled her a sickening sense of dread. Angus seemed calm but Mary-sue now saw her guides face had filled with a worrying tension. The flying one was gaining on them or Mary-sue judged it was from the noise of flapping wings just above the top of her head.

Angus was fiddling with something in her bag, something about her had changed even the kittens on the bags front seemed more menacing. Mary-sues bright emerald eyes framed with huge luscious cow-like lashes widened as Angus withdrew from her handbag a ray gun.

Mary-sue had never seen a ray gun or a normal gun for that manner but still an unknown part of her tensed in fear. Angus raised the gun, closing one eye to aim. With an intake of breath she fired her weapon. Mary-sue could not see Angus's expression but if she had all she would have witnessed was her guides face contorting into an expression of extreme hatred .

A ear-splitting scream radiated through-out the tunnel "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!111111111" The sheer length of the scream and abuse of caps lock made Mary-sue froth at the mouth.

Next to Mary-sues surprise she was bathed in a rain of thick pink glitter.

"Watch out love!" Angus cried grabbing Mary-sue round the waist, knocking the breath out of her in the process. Before our dear Sue had time to contemplate what in the name of canon was running through her guides mind. She was slammed into the cold hard wall of the tunnel and seeing as they had previously been rushing down it at one hundred miles per hour the impact was quite uncomfortable. Angus had attached them to wall through an ingenious device involving several glowing metal straps, but Mary-sue was more interesting in the fact that Angus was crushing her…

"Wat pis going fon?" said a muffled voice located underneath Angus's left-arm pit, which was of course Mary-sue crying out for air.

"Silence" Angus hushed.

A low buzzing noise vibrated down the chamber its pitch heightened as if it was approaching them. Suddenly a voice filled with sweet music flooded the tunnel.

"Give us our sister, she is ours and only ours. As the wind that meets the sea or the water that flies in the air".

"_Surely that should be the other way around" _Thought Mary-sue, through the voice was beautiful it had a tinny quality as if it was a recording or being read out by a machine. But still its siren-like call was too much for the poor Sue, she was about to cry out to it. When Angus who she had quite forgotten in the course of the strange beings song firmly stuffed two large pieces of wool into her ear lobes.

They lay flat against the tunnel wall, silent and waiting for the threat to pass. Mary-sue could see her breath leaving a misty imprint on the metal. The tension was building slowly as the strange siren's buzzing noise moved closer and closer to our two heroines. Mary-sue could feel Angus's heavy but calm breath on the back of her right ear.

The buzzing sound grew louder and fiercer, the bright lights were glaring and then Angus moved the metal straps away from her and Mary-sue's body but not before pushing something that looked a lot like a stray piece of chewing gum onto the tunnel wall.

"Let go of the wall!" Shouted Angus, so loudly and so close to Mary-sue's ear (even through they plugged)that the poor thing naturally jumped half a foot in mid-air.

Angus launched herself off the wall of the tunnel grabbing Mary-sue under the arms as she did so, with a grunt of effort (from Angus of course) our courageous hero's were away speeding down the tube even faster than before. But above them a howl of rage echoed through-out the internet, thousands of World of warcraft subscribers were forced to pull their headphones off in shock.

But even the cry of the siren could not have prepared the poor internet users and of course our heroes for the literally deafening explosion that followed afterwards. Across the globe internet connections were cut, computer panels filled with the ominous blue screen of death.

The force of the explosion shook the tunnel walls as if the very metal was disintegrating. Mary-sue was terrified the bright lights that previously had lit the tunnel suddenly went out in a flash. All was dark. Mary-sue clung to Angus her heart in her throat.

" Don't look back!" Angus cried through gritted teeth, just as Mary-sue in a similar fashion to the foolish wife of Lot turned her head upwards. She did not turn into a pillar of salt for her folly but she would have wished she had for what she saw made her throat go dry and her eyes widen.

A wave of fire was rolling toward them consuming everything in its path.

"_But how?" _Thought Mary-sue but there was no time to even think for she and her guide were wrenched from side to side by the vibrations of the tunnel. Angus seemed to be flying off course and Mary-sue was in full-fledged panic.

" One" Angus whispered under her breath. Mary-sue eyes filled with an image of the rapidly gaining fire in which only death awaited them.

"Two" Angus continued even she was beginning to fear. This was as close as she had ever come to a 2319.

"Three" Sweat ran down the woman's forehead from the approaching heat wave, Angus was beginning to wonder what colour roses they would lay on the notepad where her character was first drafted. Her hand slipped into her beloved kitten handbag. Her heart gave one last squeeze of fear.

Then she clicked the button.

Fire engulfed the two lone figures lost in the endless networking tunnels of the internet.

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Or at least it seemed too.

At the very last moment , when all hope seemed lost and the fates had cruelly turned their backs on our poor heroes. Angus clicked the start button on the device nestled in her handbag.

Mary-sue felt as if her very body was folding up and contorting and if you have ever seen a human body do this you will know its not particularly attractive, for you or the victim.

Angus kept a tight grip on Mary-sues armpits as they were jerked inside out and back to front until they felt as if they could stand no longer and there very atoms were betraying them it stopped.

It just stopped.

So abruptly that Mary-sue was thrown out of Angus's protective arms into the wall opposite them. Angus merely brushed herself off (being covered in pink glitter) and strolled over to the keypad located on one of the three remaining walls Mary-sue hadn't bashed into.

Mary-sue who was lying flat on her back through-out Angus's touch up session sat up groggily rubbing the back of her head. She looked around her wearily and seeing no immediate danger began trying to get up with great difficultly.

Angus was on the other side of the room Mary-sue realized talking to the wall or that was Mary-sue presumed she was doing having never seen a keypad before. Mary-sue looked on thinking on her guide was a madwoman and judging by past events Mary-sue had quite a lot of information to back the assumption up.

Angus continued to mutter in a formal sounding whisper into the keypad completely ignoring poor Mary-sue who was beginning to get severely pissed off, having been burned, blistered, banged into manner of objects and quite frankly the falling hadn't been too fun either.

"Look here!" Said Mary-sue loudly and rather rudely to her mentor, who continued to talk into the machine as if no one had spoken.

"HELLO" Mary-sue shouted losing all reason and manners by this time.

Angus looked up as if she had been asleep " Yes dear?" in such a kind grandmotherly voice that Mary-sue began to feel guilty for losing her temper.

" Well…Erm…I just wanted to talk to about…" Mary-sue tried to begin but was cut off because the wall which Angus had been talking to began to open in the same matter as the average garage door.

Mary-sue stood staring onwards in mute shock as a multitude of grey and white clad people came rushing out of the hatch. This was the most people or characters Mary-sue had seen in her short life and in a sudden fit of acute shyness forgot most of her rant.

The people were a mixture of male and female characters they crowded around Angus with a great aura of humbleness about them. Mary-sue stood on and watched, a little jealous of all the attention her guide was receiving. She couldn't help noticing that none of the characters looked the same or even remotely related to each other apart form their uniform dress code.

The men wore grey button less shirts and simple dingy grey trousers. The women were clad all in white dresses some of them had belts or colored badges and shiny things that looked like coins attached to their front pockets, these characters waited at the sidelines as Angus was being cared for by the others.

Everyone of them was different whether it was height, hair colour or skin colour. Whether this was deliberate or merely chance she could not tell, at this point in time anyway.

Angus was standing perfectly still as the characters flocked around her removing equipment from her shoulders, taking her jacket, even brushing her hair and resetting it into a formal bun.

"Overseer Angus" Spoke a tall dark woman who emerged from the doorway, the multitude of people who had previously ran to serve Angus fell to the ground in low hanging bows. Mary-sue gave a sharp intake of breath. The women was without a doubt the most majestic creature she had ever encountered.

She was remarkably tall and dressed entirely in white her cloak streamed down her back meeting the floor in a mass of soft fabric spirals. On her chest many gold coins gleamed in the unnatural light and pinned to the right side of her breast there glittered a badge polished to perfection.

" I'm glad to see you well" The unnamed woman said with the faint glimmer of a smile lingering at the corners of her mouth.

"As I am glad to she you well, your grace" Murmured Angus falling in a kneeling position, then leaning forward to kiss the woman's slim dark hand.

Mary-sue stood on aghast at her guide willing submitting to this humble state, Mary-sue felt a fierce blaze set alight for the first time in her heart. She would kneel to no one.

The woman turned gracefully and looked Mary-sue up and down with one flick of her golden eyes " She will do" she then said as if it was an afterthought " Send her to the labs…from the looks of her she's half gone already".

"My liege, I took her because…" Angus began but stopped as the woman cocked her head round sharply with a disapproving look in her eyes.

"We cannot talk here" was the only words she uttered as she and all the others with shining coins on their chests sweep out of the room, followed closely by the minions dressed in uniform.

Angus was still kneeling with an expression of mixed emotion, when she realized Mary-sues existence. She up almost too quickly adopting her former brisk manner " Come along" She said not looking in Mary-sue direction.

Mary-sue nodded, not truly in tune with what was happening at the present moment. Her guide began moving towards the door still not directing her gaze back to Mary-sue.

Mary-sue followed still slightly apprehensive into the doorway, but in the aftermath of shock. So much had changed for her in the past few hours (or days she couldn't tell) that surely that being inviting into the bright doorway couldn't lead to anything more sinister than what had already come to pass.

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Mary-sue was blinded by the bright light that had suddenly engulfed her, shielding her eyes from the blaze and letting out a small yelp as she tried to stagger after Angus who seemed to be striding forwards without a care.

" Hey!" Shouted Mary-sue rudely at her former guide. But Angus seemed not to hear her cries.

Mary-sue continued to struggle after Angus but still her guide was seeming to become further and further away. At last the lights became less blinding and Mary-sue could see again, well that was before she fell flat on her face.

After rubbing her now very red nose Mary-sue got to her feet and suddenly with a cry surprise was met face to face with a large woman of around forty who looked as if in a past life she had maintained the vocation of a Russian tank.

Mary-sue had unwittingly stumbled into another bare plain room this time painted murky grey. The exact same colour as the suit her strange hostess was wearing.

"Name!" the uniformed woman barked loudly at Mary-sue.

"I-I-I don't know…" Mary-sue stammered looking around desperately for Angus who had disappeared completely. The woman looked at her clipboard raised, when with a sigh she lowered it.

" I see" The woman said addressing Mary-sue in a more polite almost pitying manner " come with me" she then turned and began to walk in a brisk march towards a portion of grey wall to her far left. "Open" she commanded the wall.

To Mary-sue's surprise the wall obeyed immediately sliding open silently revealing a shadowed corridor. The unnamed clipboard holder beckoned Mary-sue to the corridor "down there" she stated simply and loudly as if talking to a young child.

"For how far?" Questioned Mary-sue already dubious.

"As far as it will go" Answered the woman annoyance laced among her words.

"But…" Mary-sue said about to ask another question when the woman finally lost her tempter and simply shoved our poor heroine into the passage. Mary-sue stood up red-faced but the door had already closed behind her.

"What a strange person" She muttered while trying in vain to see what was ahead of her in the now pitch black opening. " Well" Mary-sue said to herself, partly as reassurance but also to keep the dark away " I'll just follow the path then".

Sadly this action would have been a lot more simple if the poor girl could have seen the path. After bumping into the same portion of wall twice Mary-sue forsook her last shred of dignity by flattening against the wall to support herself and began shuffling along it whispering darkly to herself .

This went on for some time until Mary-sue was almost wishing for the harsh lights of the networking system. Clambering along like this was making her fierce irrational pride spark up again. But before she could have a tempter tantrum and refuse to go any further Mary-sue spied a light at the end of the tunnel .

With an expression of wild joy filling her features and she began inching along the wall manically in the vain hope that she would get out of the ominous darkness

The light grew closer with every step. But when Mary-sue reached it went out in a flash , she had unwittingly stumbled into a larger space and could feel the cold air rushing around her ankles. Mary-sue was naturally filled with a deep sense of foreboding and also great frustration.

All was silent until a crackling beeping rang through-out the blackened chamber, then a sharp grating metallic noise was heard. Mary-sue began to shiver and bite her lower lip partly in anger but also to keep her teeth from chattering.

" What is your name?" the voice cut through the thick dark air like a knife.

"I-I…don't know" Replied Mary-sue now beginning to feel stupid and scared at the same time.

" Are you a sue?" The voice barked.

Mary-sue's courage and pride swelled "I don't know what a sue is!" She shouted into the black, the shout echoed several times around the room.

" Then you are a sue" came the voice stating the sentence simply but with an iron enforced meaning " You must be cleansed".

Mary-sue stood in silence wondering what that phrase meant and with all her heart wishing to know. As the seconds passed her heart began to thump louder and louder in her chest, her mouth dried and her teeth began to chatter.

A soft whizzing came to her ears before Mary-sue felt a sharp almost pinprick like feeling in the back of her neck. She began to feel dizzy and the darkness of the room began to wheel in and out towards her.

Then her mouth filled with bile and her eyes rolled back.

Her knees collapsed under her, then nothingness.

The poor thing lay there in the darkness, like a fallen sparrow shot through the heart.

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**Thank you for reading the first chapter, hopefully I'll update soon. Please leave a review if possible. **

**What would you like to happen next? **

**Live long and prosper! (Disclaimer: I also do not own star trek)**


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